When you want to share something with another person more than anything, it is one of the most difficult things to realize that you can never have it. Accepting this realization is even more difficult. Loving someone does mean saying goodbye to them in some cases, though we will fight that until the oftentimes bitter end before doing the right thing.
on a happy note, though…
I am going home July 4-9, and I am very excited and anxious to be with my family and my friends who I miss terribly. It will be so comforting to be in their company for a few days, especially my mom and a few of my very best friends from over the years, like Kier. And anyone who has too much pride to see me while I’m home might want to consider trying to get over it now before I get there (ahem.)
did I not mention I was about to lose my mind
I rarely drink anymore. I quit smoking, in more ways than one. I curbed my shopping addiction and am on a very strict budget. I am very careful with the way I spend my time, money and resources. I work very hard at my job and I get my butt to work everyday. I’ve never exercised so much self control. I have to, because at my job where I work very hard, I make absolutely no money and I literally can’t afford to screw up, not just financially but in any aspect of my life.
But the first thing to go? My social life. So even though I feel like I should feel strong and healthy and completely in control of my surroundings, I don’t feel any benefits to any of the things I’m doing right now. I just feel frustrated. And lonely. And more upset than anything because I actually really love my job and I would love to not have to leave it and find something that pays more. I’ve been there for almost six months and I really, really love it.
I don’t really know what I’m going to do yet.
HURRY Cafe Astrology
I know it’s not June yet but I must prepare myself for the month ahead :(
The Beales Of Grey Gardens (2006)
I am absolutely wild about this supplemental follow-up to the original documentary. Actually, I think I prefer it to the original. I know it sounds crazy for me to say that, but I have watched this one all the way through three times so far since first seeing it last month and I have found it to be far more honest and even more fascinating.
I think I love it so much because it shows such a beautiful side to Little Edie. She did have her faults and she could be kind of a bitch at times but Big Edie was just awful every once in a while and there was one part where she blatantly tells Little Edie she was ugly to her face and you could just tell that those remarks had come from years of aggression toward her daughter. It’s sad, really. After much deliberation I have decided that I actually resent Big Edie for holding her back. Little Edie was brilliant. So bright and so intuitive. It’s too bad all that creative energy was kept confined to bouncing around in that big old house.
It was in this film that I realized that Little Edie was indeed a Scorpio and solidified my belief that we are very much kindred spirits. She was born on November 7, 1917. I was born on November 8. I feel very close to her in spirit.
In the video I posted at the top, she’s singing “You Ought To Be In Pictures” and it’s basically her own improvised backyard cabaret number performed for the Maysles, the documentary filmmakers who collected all of the footage for this film and for Grey Gardens. There could not have been a more perfect pair of filmmakers for the Beales. It was like fate and it brought out quite a few emotions in Little Edie. You could see happiness and camaraderie, but at the same time you could sense loneliness and sadness from her interactions with these strangers who brought comfort and company and friendship. She grew up being quite popular with the opposite sex and was even technically supposed to be the original Jackie O, so naturally she flirted with the Maysles shamelessly and clearly had a crush on both of them. I wonder what it must have felt like from their perspective and if they felt sorry for her.
It also features all of the extra footage of Jerry (or who we can also lovingly refer to as “The Marble Faun”) and Little Edie’s obvious jealousy of her mother’s affection for him.
Anyway, it just really provides a fresh perspective on what you think you know. Personally I think it shows that the original documentary is mostly bullshit and the Maysles (or Albert Maysles, since David had died in 1987) wanted to tell us that. That part, I already knew. It just makes me sad because the original documentary almost makes Little Edie look like a fool or an idiot or something and she was actually really fucking brilliant.
He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time.
luckiest girl.
below you will see a photo of my boyfriend and his darling little cousin Natalia. I have never swooned so much in my entire life.
I need a hug.
Everyone I love the most lives too far away from me. Every time I really need to get a hold of one of them, someone goes missing. This time it’s my mom. She lives in California and I have no idea where she is but she hasn’t picked up my calls. And my boyfriend. Don’t even know if he made it home safe last night because I haven’t heard from him either.
I am not the right person suited to be living in this type of situation at all. I care about people way too much. Not happy at all right now. Not fair. And not a good start to my day.
Girls.
I literally feel like someone looked into my soul and made a TV show out of what goes on inside of my head. Really. It scares me almost.
Except for the last sex scene in episode five. Definitely one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.
Making myself go to sleep now so I can wake up and watch episode six. Ahh.
got that good kind of tired feeling
1. great day. looking forward to a good sleep tonight.
2. I have a pretty rad boyfriend #sorryboutit
3. HBO’s Girls is brilliant. thoroughly enjoying it so far. well done, Lena Dunham.
(via butterflymelt)
Yeahh whatever
I just want SLEEP
STOP
thinking.
the most turbulent and important relationship in my life
Adderall.
It can make you love yourself and absolutely hate your life at the same time.
I don’t know how many of you have been on it or have had experiences with it, but it is a very dangerous, addictive and very scary drug and if you don’t actually need it, I would highly recommend you stay as far away from it as you possibly can.
This is my personal blog so I can say whatever the fuck I want about myself here. I’ve been clinically tested for ADHD and yes, I have it. I need Adderall to focus and it calms me down. It makes me productive and I can get things done and get my shit together and keep it that way. It makes you witty and creative and inspired. The benefits, in my opinion, far exceed the risks. It changed my life.
…But I did say something about hating my life, didn’t I?
Right now I’m writing this post after tossing and turning all night from taking my regular prescribed dose yesterday. I honestly can’t remember if I slept or not. It keeps you up at night. It makes you not eat. It makes you lose weight. It makes you want to talk to everyone and be a raging bitch at the same time. I have absolutely no patience on it. Sometimes I don’t sleep for days. Once I go a whole night without sleeping, the adrenaline in my body is so apparent that the cycle repeats itself over and over until the only way I can get to sleep is because my body is literally shutting itself down. Sometimes I don’t eat for days. I have to force myself to eat during the day and it’s not an enjoyable experience. And forget telling people you have it. They will want to buy it from you because it is legal speed.
I’m trying to find a balance and learn how to maintain a healthy lifestyle on a very dangerous medication. But it’s hard.
